Selling our Home

As we are working more and more towards leaving the country to become missionaries, I am continually excited and expectant. I'm working to rely more on God, less on myself or Justin, and be filled with faith. I'm having one hang up at the moment...selling our house. I never thought a house would be so important to me. I never thought owning a place would make me so comfortable. I also had no idea how difficult it would be for me to let go of it...which is where I am right now. Our cute little house that we've put a lot of work into and made just how we want has had a for sale sign in front of it for three days...not the longest amount of time and perhaps why I'm still a bit caught off guard by it each time I look out the front window or pull into the driveway. I love this house. I still wonder if it is the house I love or the feeling of safety and comfort it provides. Honestly, I never wanted to be back home long enough to become comfortable. Most of my college years I kept telling myself that I was only here to get a degree and then I would leave again....finding the man I love slowed those plans down a little, but it was obviously worth it. Justin has needed some time to become ready to leave for the mission field, but God has faithfully prepared his heart for this and he is so incredibly excited. I think he might even be more ready for this transition than I am right now! Is that because I know that there will be some incredibly hard times and he's not quite aware of how hard it is to leave your home, family, and country while trying to adjust to a very foreign one? I don't know but I envy him a bit. He is so ready to jump in and though he has bouts of anxiety about it all, he is definitely ready for the one thing I am not; letting go of our home. Back to that idea....because I'd really like to figure out what is so difficult about it for me. I truly believe it is more than the 'worldly possessions' side of it-it's not a big house with a lot of expensive things. It's just a little starter house with ugly cabinets; but I love it. I think what I love about it is the feeling of comfort and I think I'm anticipating the loss of that comfort. I think it also represents the loss of independence; that is something I really deeply value. Perhaps that is even more distressing to me. I'm going to join a team in which I am told what to do 6 days a week and by joining this team, I'm obligated to follow the program. Everything in me is disliking this idea; but the Lord has shown us that going to London to join the Operation Mobilization team there is the next step. I know we will meet so many amazing, faith filled people and I know that I don't want to be anywhere except where the Lord wants me...but why do I have to give up my independence?!?! That question being rhetorical, the answer is this: My independence must be given up because my personal will must die and instead, I must be ready to take up God's will. Obviously the goal would be to surrender in such a way that His will becomes my will and it would be much more fluid than me taking up a foreign will that feels awkward and impersonal. I want to desire God's plans and ways. I know that living my own way will be completely unsatisfying and will leave me with a void. But, because God's will is still the unknown, it feels scary; it's scary to let go of a will I can seemingly know for one that is unknown. When we sell this comfortable little house and move to London, it will all be unknown. Am I so old now that an adventure with God is more scary than exciting? While I know that really has nothing to do with physical age, I think of an old spirit who never quite experienced God fully and therefore is not ready to take an adventure with him. Someday, I want to be a very different kind of old spirit; the kind that has had so many adventures with God that she is not surprised by how exciting it is to live with him and is less and less afraid to step out on the water when he calls. For now, this young spirit has to start taking the steps God is putting in front of her if she wants to become that old spirit. I want to walk with the Lord intimately; I want to seek him and nothing else. I want to find comfort in that rather than in a home. I want to be dependent on him for all things and in all ways rather than desiring independence. I want to be looking for whatever he has for me rather than be concerned with my own plans. So....the house must be sold. I must offer up my comfort and independence to God, knowing he is good and able. He knows what I need but more importantly, he has a job for Justin and I that will bring him glory and add to his kingdom. I can't wait to be a part of that work...but I know the next leg of this journey will not be easy for me.