Well, I'm gonna try blogging again. Who knows if it'll take, but I really enjoy writing and I'm someone who processes better with words, not just silent thoughts.
Today I had a small (but huge) revelation from the Lord. Lately I've been perplexed at the feelings of pressure and guilt I put on myself about my relationship with him. I'm not sure where they've come from but feel almost strangled by them at this point. Then, the freeing thought, "How about I let you lead, Lord." I realized I've been arrogantly thinking I need to lead our relationship in some way. I'm not sure where the desire to do this came from; well, if I think about it, probably from the desire I have to control things. I realize control is turning out to reek a lot of havoc in my personal life. To begin, I want to control my relationship with God. How sad. This means I'll not really ever go where he intends me to go or will drag my feet as he mercifully gets me there. I'd rather stumble through the experiences he has for me-I imagine myself excitedly adventuring through a forest where there is a make shift, half hidden trail and streams of light dart through the tree canopy above me. It's a mix of shadowy coldness and restoring warmth as I merge in and out of the sun. I suppose that is like the valleys and the mountains in life...the feeling of being cold and alone, but the warmth felt from climbing on and emerging. Having any sort of control over the forest would completely kill the life. It reminds me of a very real example. My family has a piece of property somewhere in Washington and we just call it The River. It's nothing special. Just some gravel campsites with a trail down to the water and a fire pit along the path. But the memories from this place are amazing. The whole site is hidden by trees and so feels very private as well as leaves much to explore. I've not been in years but have recently heard that most of the trees have been cleared, grass has been planted, and so control has been exerted over this lovely, wild, adventurous memory of mine and I'm afraid to ever even see it this way. That is what control does...it kills the real life. That is what the control I try to exert in my own life over any number of things does; it kills not just the relationship, the freshness, the adventure, the realness...it takes the life out of me as I try to keep up with all I need to control. Right now I'm fighting for control in many areas of my life; my relationship with God, how I want to raise my child, the timeline of our family's next step...and oh so much more. It's a waste. I want to run through the forest, the adventure, that God has for me in this life. I don't want to cut the trees down and plant grass so it's easier to maintain or looks more manicured. Life is messy and the vines that grow around us can be thick...but I'd rather be running through the forest, chasing after God, tripping over the roots and vines until the Lord helps me hack them down, weaving in and out of the shadows and sunlight instead of caught up, solitary, confused, bitter, trying to figure out how to make everything go my way.
