Do I Know Him?

Recently I realized I have so much to learn from Jesus! I know, not a shocking revelation. However, this thought pushed me into the gospel of John in order to figure out how Jesus interacted with non believers, believers, and legalists. I encounter all such people and I am not always the model of Christ that I want to be. So, I wanted to be reminded of Jesus' actions, words, and attitudes and focus on incorporating them into my daily life on a momentary basis. I'm only to chapter 9 and what I've learned is that Jesus engaged in relationship and his primary goal was always to reveal God. Simple, yet life changing. Truly, if I set out to engage in relationship every day with the goal of revealing God to anyone I encounter, my life would be very different. I would spend less time concerned about myself, I wouldn't put energy into worrying about things I have no control over, and I would get to know my God so much better as I would constantly have my eyes on him. I truly want to work on this. I will never be perfect at it or accomplish it fully for even one day probably! But, I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss out on the relationship opportunities around me. Nor do I want to miss out on learning what God has for me to learn in any given moment as I look to him for help and guidance as I desire to reveal him to anyone I encounter.

Deeper thoughts...

Tonight I spoke with a good friend who always reminds me that taking a moment to reflect and think a bit deeper about my life situations is healthy and incredibly useful. Lately I've been thinking about how little I do of this. I tend to go from one moment to the next with little thought or reflection in between. Perhaps that is why I write so little on a blog even though I had the greatest of intentions...actually thinking that starting this blog would help me be more reflective. Maybe it will...anyway, there are aspects to my personality that I like and others that I wish I would be more proactive about changing. I enjoy my optimism and my dedication to things that I want to see accomplished. I like that when I set my mind to something, I typically don't stop until I get it done. I am happy that when I hear the Lord speak, I hear it clearly (assuming I'm listening) and I act with little hesitation. This is not because of my wonderful obedience, but because the Lord tends to speak to me in a very forward way that cannot be misunderstood or ignored! With that said (because I don't want to have a pity party about what I don't like about myself necessarily), there are major things that need some work within my personality. One of the largest that I have noticed and disliked for some time is my seemingly inability to slow down, reflect, and learn amidst my circumstances. I'm usually so busy living life at the moment or working to get to the next stage that I forget to learn what God has for me in the moment I'm living. I'm reminded that God's purpose for my life is to know him. Nothing is as important as this. When I avoid the opportunity to take a look at what God is doing in my life through the situation I'm in or I don't slow down long enough to learn what he's trying to say to me, I am missing out. I want to work at being quiet before the Lord; waiting on him in stillness without worrying about what's coming next. The next thing is what I should be looking for as much as to gain all I can out of what I'm going through at the moment. This is especially true right now as we are preparing to leave. Today, Justin reminded me that we need not be more focused on the preparation to leave than why we are leaving. We must focus on God above all else, making sure we are living the very moment he is giving us right then, right now. That is my goal these next couple months and I pray I do it well, with some grace, so that I might not miss anything God has for me during this season.

Finally....Almost

So, the house is sold, we're substitute teaching, and this weekend will be one of the numerous garage sales we have in which we sell our personal possessions for a few bucks. Now comes the decisions of what to ship to ourselves in order to make our new 200 sq. ft. flat a bit homey...not sure how to decide what to take, what to let go, and what to replace. But, I'm sure it will all get done. Overall, I have a great sense of satisfaction with where we are at in the process of moving to the mission field. So many people in my life have passively or actively expressed that they don't think we'll actually do this. What they don't realize is that we are not doing something that we think will be fun or just because we thought of it one day. What we are about to set out on is an adventure that God has called us to. If I don't follow him on this I will regret it for the rest of my life. If I don't take this wild leap, I will not be living the life I was meant to live. So, here we go. And what is so wonderful is that because my God is so great and because he has a very specific purpose for my life, he has made all the plans for me. He knew who would by our home (and that we would get a full price offer in a horrible market), he knows all our supporters before they decide to become our partner, and he knows every step we will need to take to make this dream a reality. He has called us and he is so much more faithful to me than I can ever be to him. I'm so thankful that he called me, that he is making a way, and that he believes in me. I have decided to stop caring that so many have called us crazy and haven't really believed we would do this....that's not how my God works. He does what he says he's going to do.

Selling our Home

As we are working more and more towards leaving the country to become missionaries, I am continually excited and expectant. I'm working to rely more on God, less on myself or Justin, and be filled with faith. I'm having one hang up at the moment...selling our house. I never thought a house would be so important to me. I never thought owning a place would make me so comfortable. I also had no idea how difficult it would be for me to let go of it...which is where I am right now. Our cute little house that we've put a lot of work into and made just how we want has had a for sale sign in front of it for three days...not the longest amount of time and perhaps why I'm still a bit caught off guard by it each time I look out the front window or pull into the driveway. I love this house. I still wonder if it is the house I love or the feeling of safety and comfort it provides. Honestly, I never wanted to be back home long enough to become comfortable. Most of my college years I kept telling myself that I was only here to get a degree and then I would leave again....finding the man I love slowed those plans down a little, but it was obviously worth it. Justin has needed some time to become ready to leave for the mission field, but God has faithfully prepared his heart for this and he is so incredibly excited. I think he might even be more ready for this transition than I am right now! Is that because I know that there will be some incredibly hard times and he's not quite aware of how hard it is to leave your home, family, and country while trying to adjust to a very foreign one? I don't know but I envy him a bit. He is so ready to jump in and though he has bouts of anxiety about it all, he is definitely ready for the one thing I am not; letting go of our home. Back to that idea....because I'd really like to figure out what is so difficult about it for me. I truly believe it is more than the 'worldly possessions' side of it-it's not a big house with a lot of expensive things. It's just a little starter house with ugly cabinets; but I love it. I think what I love about it is the feeling of comfort and I think I'm anticipating the loss of that comfort. I think it also represents the loss of independence; that is something I really deeply value. Perhaps that is even more distressing to me. I'm going to join a team in which I am told what to do 6 days a week and by joining this team, I'm obligated to follow the program. Everything in me is disliking this idea; but the Lord has shown us that going to London to join the Operation Mobilization team there is the next step. I know we will meet so many amazing, faith filled people and I know that I don't want to be anywhere except where the Lord wants me...but why do I have to give up my independence?!?! That question being rhetorical, the answer is this: My independence must be given up because my personal will must die and instead, I must be ready to take up God's will. Obviously the goal would be to surrender in such a way that His will becomes my will and it would be much more fluid than me taking up a foreign will that feels awkward and impersonal. I want to desire God's plans and ways. I know that living my own way will be completely unsatisfying and will leave me with a void. But, because God's will is still the unknown, it feels scary; it's scary to let go of a will I can seemingly know for one that is unknown. When we sell this comfortable little house and move to London, it will all be unknown. Am I so old now that an adventure with God is more scary than exciting? While I know that really has nothing to do with physical age, I think of an old spirit who never quite experienced God fully and therefore is not ready to take an adventure with him. Someday, I want to be a very different kind of old spirit; the kind that has had so many adventures with God that she is not surprised by how exciting it is to live with him and is less and less afraid to step out on the water when he calls. For now, this young spirit has to start taking the steps God is putting in front of her if she wants to become that old spirit. I want to walk with the Lord intimately; I want to seek him and nothing else. I want to find comfort in that rather than in a home. I want to be dependent on him for all things and in all ways rather than desiring independence. I want to be looking for whatever he has for me rather than be concerned with my own plans. So....the house must be sold. I must offer up my comfort and independence to God, knowing he is good and able. He knows what I need but more importantly, he has a job for Justin and I that will bring him glory and add to his kingdom. I can't wait to be a part of that work...but I know the next leg of this journey will not be easy for me.

The Journey

At a recent mission conference we attended we heard the phrase, "it's about the journey, not the destination." From the moment I heard it, I began to realize how true it is. In reality, it does not matter where I am geographically or even situationally. What matters is where I'm at with God. What matters is what he's trying to teach and show me about himself and about me. I want to have eyes only for him. I want to be in a place in my life that whatever he tells me to do and wherever he tells me to go, I'm ready. I want to constantly have his purposes before me with no regard for my own. It is when I'm walking in his will that I will find complete happiness and satisfaction, so why do I fight to have things my way? When I scramble to have some ounce of control over my life, I feel so disatisfied. When I surrender completely to him, I have wonderful freedom and live in his perfect love. There is no place that could possibly be better. I know that no control and complete surrender would sound completely idiodic to an unbelieving person. If I did not know the Lord, I would be so afraid of someone who wanted to be controled by God. So, how do I explain that I have complete freedom and rest when I give control over to God? As I think of this, I imagine the God of the universe. He has everything in his hands and he knows all that goes on. He either causes things to happen or allows them to happen. Absolutely nothing happens without his attention to it. So, what use is it for me to fight that? How could I possibly out-do God? If he is in contol of everything already, why not submit to that? Also, becuase God knows all that has happened, is happening, and will happen, why would I not follow his leading if I know he is good? My God is so incredibly good and he will always take care of me. With that in mind, I consider how little I really know. I make choices that seem reasonable to myself, but I cannot foresee the future and what my choices will actually result in. But, because my God can see that and he is good, wanting to take care of me, I can trust that he is always leading me down the best path. It may not be the path that is most comfortable, but it is always the best. It is the best because he is leading me towards knowing him more and that is my life's purpose. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of all of this. Why do I ever waste a moment worrying when I know all of what I just stated to be true? Instead, I must spend every moment of my life seeking to know the God who knows all, including me, and following him so I can know him better.

Rejection

Today when meeting with my mentor we came to a discussion about rejection. I've realized that rejection has hit my heart in a significant way and it has wounded me. It is something that has not been done lightly, but has been done by those who have been the absolute closest to me. I realize that this pattern of rejection has changed who I am, kept me from trying to love others as deeply as the Lord loves me, and has caused me to make a habit out of self pity. But today I decided to break off the spirit of rejection because what the enemy has tried to use to destroy me God can use for good. He has shown me that rejection is the feeling I have when I seek human approval and don't receive it. As Paul writes in Galations 1:10, one cannot try to be accepted by both men and God. We must forsake approval of man so that we might be servants of Christ. I must, in my spirit, determine to set aside the desire for man's approval for this reason. When I do this, I will choose to have my fulfillment and identity in Christ, no longer giving into self pity which somehow tends to falsely bind the wound that rejection has caused.

When Justin and I moved to Yakima, we said it was for my family. I have come to realize it was very much for us. I have prayed and asked the Lord about when we will be ready for the next step on our lives. I feel the time is coming near, but he has told me that we are here to seek freedom so that we will be ready to go. There are things binding me that I must break off of my life. I must run after freedom because it is for freedom that Christ came...freedom from a life without a relationship with God. Everything in me wants to know my Savior as deeply as I can. Therefore, I must work to be free. Free in his love and free in the knowledge of what he has done for me. I believe there are many Christians who are not free. So many of us are bound by something....but God desires freedom for us. I pray that I am on the path towards freedom so that I can know him more fully and then to be able to tell anyone and everyone the freedom I've found in him. Our God is great and his love knows no bound. I rejoice in that and in the reality that my God loosens chains and set prisoners free!