My moment of grace

I was just reading Ann Voskamp's blog and found myself straining to see the words as tears welled up in my eyes and slid down my cheeks.  She wrote about the moment all moms come to at some point...or many points throughout the day, week, month...  That moment you are harsher with your child than you ever thought you would be and than you ever want to admit you were.  I haven't been doing this mom thing long, but I've had the moment.  As I read I pictured my beautiful girl's little face with tears flowing, mouth wide open, a loudness expressing the sadness she's feeling...and I've caused it....and I'm the only thing she wants to make it better.  I remember holding her and sobbing.  Feeling so incredibly undeserving of her little arms wrapped around my neck and completely awed that I can comfort her after I am the one who caused her pain.  And I'm thankful...for the grace she's showing me.  She's teaching me about love and relationship...and I'm thankful.  I am still amazed that the Lord has given me two amazing, beautiful, joyful, sweet, energetic little girls to raise.  I'm so undeserving of these blessings...but like a great gift we sometimes feel undeserving of and would give up if asked, I would never let go of these precious ones.  They've changed me like no one else ever could or ever will.  Motherhood is so ordinary and so extra ordinarily beyond my comprehension all at the same time.  For this joyous task I feel less than equipped...so thankful that God will equip me as I go....and reliant on grace for those embarrassingly harsh moments when my little one wraps her arms around me, snuggles in, and we both find our comfort in each other.  

This Journey

This morning the Lord struck me with a freeing and peace-bringing statement that really came out of the blue.  I was not thinking particularly about our upcoming move to Turkey or the process that we will go through to accomplish it.  I was just singing, feeding my daughter her bottle, thankful to be surrounded by friends.  And the Lord said....this is your journey.  This journey is simply your life; your journey is what I take you through to know me more.  How simple.  How deep.  How true.  This life isn't about my comfort.  My life is about knowing God deeply and out of the depth, love propelling me to glorify him in all I do so that others might know him too.  That is my journey and however the Lord leads me in life, it is with that purpose.  I feel safe knowing that.  I feel that I can release my grip on what I think I have control of.  I feel I can stop fighting the journey, fighting God.  I can hold out my hands, palms up, waiting to be led and knowing it is all part of my journey.

Daily life

As Justin rushes out the door for work after enjoying pancakes and playing with his girl, I am left with the desire to make today count, to work hard and enjoy time with my daughter.  Today I'm excited about that.  I'm pretty tired these days as another little One is on the way, but I want to serve my family and my God well.  For me, this is in the details of our home as that is my primary outlet for serving right now.  I want to do it with joy, as unto the Lord, and do it well.  So, time for dishes, picking up, vacuuming, and getting through the list of things Justin asked if I could get to if I had time.  All the while, I am thinking about and looking forward to our upcoming move back to the States, with stop overs in Turkey and Atlanta, GA first.  The Lord has some great times planned for us and I'm looking forward to it all!

Meaningful life

"...a meaningful life, where eternity is what it's all about."  I read that quote on a friend's blog tonight and felt both inspired and challenged.  That is what every moment of life is truly all about....spending my time on earth in a meaningful way that impacts eternity.  So much of my effort is spent in a very worldly way-concerns of comfort and things.  That goes against everything I dearly want to live for.  I'm excited and challenged by the words I quoted and believe that if I can forget myself just a bit (or a lot), I can live out so much more successfully.  Of course, dependent on the Holy Spirit to help me do this...thank you Lord that what I am unable to do, you can accomplish in me.

Here we go...

Well, I'm gonna try blogging again.  Who knows if it'll take, but I really enjoy writing and I'm someone who processes better with words, not just silent thoughts.

Today I had a small (but huge) revelation from the Lord.  Lately I've been perplexed at the feelings of pressure and guilt I put on myself about my relationship with him.  I'm not sure where they've come from but feel almost strangled by them at this point.  Then, the freeing thought, "How about I let you lead, Lord."  I realized I've been arrogantly thinking I need to lead our relationship in some way.  I'm not sure where the desire to do this came from; well, if I think about it, probably from the desire I have to control things.  I realize control is turning out to reek a lot of havoc in my personal life.  To begin, I want to control my relationship with God.  How sad.  This means I'll not really ever go where he intends me to go or will drag my feet as he mercifully gets me there.  I'd rather stumble through the experiences he has for me-I imagine myself excitedly adventuring through a forest where there is a make shift, half hidden trail and streams of light dart through the tree canopy above me.  It's a mix of shadowy coldness and restoring warmth as I merge in and out of the sun.  I suppose that is like the valleys and the mountains in life...the feeling of being cold and alone, but the warmth felt from climbing on and emerging.  Having any sort of control over the forest would completely kill the life.  It reminds me of a very real example.  My family has a piece of property somewhere in Washington and we just call it The River.  It's nothing special.  Just some gravel campsites with a trail down to the water and a fire pit along the path.  But the memories from this place are amazing.  The whole site is hidden by trees and so feels very private as well as leaves much to explore.  I've not been in years but have recently heard that most of the trees have been cleared, grass has been planted, and so control has been exerted over this lovely, wild, adventurous memory of mine and I'm afraid to ever even see it this way.  That is what control does...it kills the real life.  That is what the control I try to exert in my own life over any number of things does; it kills not just the relationship, the freshness, the adventure, the realness...it takes the life out of me as I try to keep up with all I need to control.  Right now I'm fighting for control in many areas of my life; my relationship with God, how I want to raise my child, the timeline of our family's next step...and oh so much more.  It's a waste.  I want to run through the forest, the adventure, that God has for me in this life.  I don't want to cut the trees down and plant grass so it's easier to maintain or looks more manicured.  Life is messy and the vines that grow around us can be thick...but I'd rather be running through the forest, chasing after God, tripping over the roots and vines until the Lord helps me hack them down, weaving in and out of the shadows and sunlight instead of caught up, solitary, confused, bitter, trying to figure out how to make everything go my way.

Do I Know Him?

Recently I realized I have so much to learn from Jesus! I know, not a shocking revelation. However, this thought pushed me into the gospel of John in order to figure out how Jesus interacted with non believers, believers, and legalists. I encounter all such people and I am not always the model of Christ that I want to be. So, I wanted to be reminded of Jesus' actions, words, and attitudes and focus on incorporating them into my daily life on a momentary basis. I'm only to chapter 9 and what I've learned is that Jesus engaged in relationship and his primary goal was always to reveal God. Simple, yet life changing. Truly, if I set out to engage in relationship every day with the goal of revealing God to anyone I encounter, my life would be very different. I would spend less time concerned about myself, I wouldn't put energy into worrying about things I have no control over, and I would get to know my God so much better as I would constantly have my eyes on him. I truly want to work on this. I will never be perfect at it or accomplish it fully for even one day probably! But, I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss out on the relationship opportunities around me. Nor do I want to miss out on learning what God has for me to learn in any given moment as I look to him for help and guidance as I desire to reveal him to anyone I encounter.

Deeper thoughts...

Tonight I spoke with a good friend who always reminds me that taking a moment to reflect and think a bit deeper about my life situations is healthy and incredibly useful. Lately I've been thinking about how little I do of this. I tend to go from one moment to the next with little thought or reflection in between. Perhaps that is why I write so little on a blog even though I had the greatest of intentions...actually thinking that starting this blog would help me be more reflective. Maybe it will...anyway, there are aspects to my personality that I like and others that I wish I would be more proactive about changing. I enjoy my optimism and my dedication to things that I want to see accomplished. I like that when I set my mind to something, I typically don't stop until I get it done. I am happy that when I hear the Lord speak, I hear it clearly (assuming I'm listening) and I act with little hesitation. This is not because of my wonderful obedience, but because the Lord tends to speak to me in a very forward way that cannot be misunderstood or ignored! With that said (because I don't want to have a pity party about what I don't like about myself necessarily), there are major things that need some work within my personality. One of the largest that I have noticed and disliked for some time is my seemingly inability to slow down, reflect, and learn amidst my circumstances. I'm usually so busy living life at the moment or working to get to the next stage that I forget to learn what God has for me in the moment I'm living. I'm reminded that God's purpose for my life is to know him. Nothing is as important as this. When I avoid the opportunity to take a look at what God is doing in my life through the situation I'm in or I don't slow down long enough to learn what he's trying to say to me, I am missing out. I want to work at being quiet before the Lord; waiting on him in stillness without worrying about what's coming next. The next thing is what I should be looking for as much as to gain all I can out of what I'm going through at the moment. This is especially true right now as we are preparing to leave. Today, Justin reminded me that we need not be more focused on the preparation to leave than why we are leaving. We must focus on God above all else, making sure we are living the very moment he is giving us right then, right now. That is my goal these next couple months and I pray I do it well, with some grace, so that I might not miss anything God has for me during this season.