Daily life

As Justin rushes out the door for work after enjoying pancakes and playing with his girl, I am left with the desire to make today count, to work hard and enjoy time with my daughter.  Today I'm excited about that.  I'm pretty tired these days as another little One is on the way, but I want to serve my family and my God well.  For me, this is in the details of our home as that is my primary outlet for serving right now.  I want to do it with joy, as unto the Lord, and do it well.  So, time for dishes, picking up, vacuuming, and getting through the list of things Justin asked if I could get to if I had time.  All the while, I am thinking about and looking forward to our upcoming move back to the States, with stop overs in Turkey and Atlanta, GA first.  The Lord has some great times planned for us and I'm looking forward to it all!

Meaningful life

"...a meaningful life, where eternity is what it's all about."  I read that quote on a friend's blog tonight and felt both inspired and challenged.  That is what every moment of life is truly all about....spending my time on earth in a meaningful way that impacts eternity.  So much of my effort is spent in a very worldly way-concerns of comfort and things.  That goes against everything I dearly want to live for.  I'm excited and challenged by the words I quoted and believe that if I can forget myself just a bit (or a lot), I can live out so much more successfully.  Of course, dependent on the Holy Spirit to help me do this...thank you Lord that what I am unable to do, you can accomplish in me.

Here we go...

Well, I'm gonna try blogging again.  Who knows if it'll take, but I really enjoy writing and I'm someone who processes better with words, not just silent thoughts.

Today I had a small (but huge) revelation from the Lord.  Lately I've been perplexed at the feelings of pressure and guilt I put on myself about my relationship with him.  I'm not sure where they've come from but feel almost strangled by them at this point.  Then, the freeing thought, "How about I let you lead, Lord."  I realized I've been arrogantly thinking I need to lead our relationship in some way.  I'm not sure where the desire to do this came from; well, if I think about it, probably from the desire I have to control things.  I realize control is turning out to reek a lot of havoc in my personal life.  To begin, I want to control my relationship with God.  How sad.  This means I'll not really ever go where he intends me to go or will drag my feet as he mercifully gets me there.  I'd rather stumble through the experiences he has for me-I imagine myself excitedly adventuring through a forest where there is a make shift, half hidden trail and streams of light dart through the tree canopy above me.  It's a mix of shadowy coldness and restoring warmth as I merge in and out of the sun.  I suppose that is like the valleys and the mountains in life...the feeling of being cold and alone, but the warmth felt from climbing on and emerging.  Having any sort of control over the forest would completely kill the life.  It reminds me of a very real example.  My family has a piece of property somewhere in Washington and we just call it The River.  It's nothing special.  Just some gravel campsites with a trail down to the water and a fire pit along the path.  But the memories from this place are amazing.  The whole site is hidden by trees and so feels very private as well as leaves much to explore.  I've not been in years but have recently heard that most of the trees have been cleared, grass has been planted, and so control has been exerted over this lovely, wild, adventurous memory of mine and I'm afraid to ever even see it this way.  That is what control does...it kills the real life.  That is what the control I try to exert in my own life over any number of things does; it kills not just the relationship, the freshness, the adventure, the realness...it takes the life out of me as I try to keep up with all I need to control.  Right now I'm fighting for control in many areas of my life; my relationship with God, how I want to raise my child, the timeline of our family's next step...and oh so much more.  It's a waste.  I want to run through the forest, the adventure, that God has for me in this life.  I don't want to cut the trees down and plant grass so it's easier to maintain or looks more manicured.  Life is messy and the vines that grow around us can be thick...but I'd rather be running through the forest, chasing after God, tripping over the roots and vines until the Lord helps me hack them down, weaving in and out of the shadows and sunlight instead of caught up, solitary, confused, bitter, trying to figure out how to make everything go my way.

Do I Know Him?

Recently I realized I have so much to learn from Jesus! I know, not a shocking revelation. However, this thought pushed me into the gospel of John in order to figure out how Jesus interacted with non believers, believers, and legalists. I encounter all such people and I am not always the model of Christ that I want to be. So, I wanted to be reminded of Jesus' actions, words, and attitudes and focus on incorporating them into my daily life on a momentary basis. I'm only to chapter 9 and what I've learned is that Jesus engaged in relationship and his primary goal was always to reveal God. Simple, yet life changing. Truly, if I set out to engage in relationship every day with the goal of revealing God to anyone I encounter, my life would be very different. I would spend less time concerned about myself, I wouldn't put energy into worrying about things I have no control over, and I would get to know my God so much better as I would constantly have my eyes on him. I truly want to work on this. I will never be perfect at it or accomplish it fully for even one day probably! But, I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss out on the relationship opportunities around me. Nor do I want to miss out on learning what God has for me to learn in any given moment as I look to him for help and guidance as I desire to reveal him to anyone I encounter.

Deeper thoughts...

Tonight I spoke with a good friend who always reminds me that taking a moment to reflect and think a bit deeper about my life situations is healthy and incredibly useful. Lately I've been thinking about how little I do of this. I tend to go from one moment to the next with little thought or reflection in between. Perhaps that is why I write so little on a blog even though I had the greatest of intentions...actually thinking that starting this blog would help me be more reflective. Maybe it will...anyway, there are aspects to my personality that I like and others that I wish I would be more proactive about changing. I enjoy my optimism and my dedication to things that I want to see accomplished. I like that when I set my mind to something, I typically don't stop until I get it done. I am happy that when I hear the Lord speak, I hear it clearly (assuming I'm listening) and I act with little hesitation. This is not because of my wonderful obedience, but because the Lord tends to speak to me in a very forward way that cannot be misunderstood or ignored! With that said (because I don't want to have a pity party about what I don't like about myself necessarily), there are major things that need some work within my personality. One of the largest that I have noticed and disliked for some time is my seemingly inability to slow down, reflect, and learn amidst my circumstances. I'm usually so busy living life at the moment or working to get to the next stage that I forget to learn what God has for me in the moment I'm living. I'm reminded that God's purpose for my life is to know him. Nothing is as important as this. When I avoid the opportunity to take a look at what God is doing in my life through the situation I'm in or I don't slow down long enough to learn what he's trying to say to me, I am missing out. I want to work at being quiet before the Lord; waiting on him in stillness without worrying about what's coming next. The next thing is what I should be looking for as much as to gain all I can out of what I'm going through at the moment. This is especially true right now as we are preparing to leave. Today, Justin reminded me that we need not be more focused on the preparation to leave than why we are leaving. We must focus on God above all else, making sure we are living the very moment he is giving us right then, right now. That is my goal these next couple months and I pray I do it well, with some grace, so that I might not miss anything God has for me during this season.

Finally....Almost

So, the house is sold, we're substitute teaching, and this weekend will be one of the numerous garage sales we have in which we sell our personal possessions for a few bucks. Now comes the decisions of what to ship to ourselves in order to make our new 200 sq. ft. flat a bit homey...not sure how to decide what to take, what to let go, and what to replace. But, I'm sure it will all get done. Overall, I have a great sense of satisfaction with where we are at in the process of moving to the mission field. So many people in my life have passively or actively expressed that they don't think we'll actually do this. What they don't realize is that we are not doing something that we think will be fun or just because we thought of it one day. What we are about to set out on is an adventure that God has called us to. If I don't follow him on this I will regret it for the rest of my life. If I don't take this wild leap, I will not be living the life I was meant to live. So, here we go. And what is so wonderful is that because my God is so great and because he has a very specific purpose for my life, he has made all the plans for me. He knew who would by our home (and that we would get a full price offer in a horrible market), he knows all our supporters before they decide to become our partner, and he knows every step we will need to take to make this dream a reality. He has called us and he is so much more faithful to me than I can ever be to him. I'm so thankful that he called me, that he is making a way, and that he believes in me. I have decided to stop caring that so many have called us crazy and haven't really believed we would do this....that's not how my God works. He does what he says he's going to do.

Selling our Home

As we are working more and more towards leaving the country to become missionaries, I am continually excited and expectant. I'm working to rely more on God, less on myself or Justin, and be filled with faith. I'm having one hang up at the moment...selling our house. I never thought a house would be so important to me. I never thought owning a place would make me so comfortable. I also had no idea how difficult it would be for me to let go of it...which is where I am right now. Our cute little house that we've put a lot of work into and made just how we want has had a for sale sign in front of it for three days...not the longest amount of time and perhaps why I'm still a bit caught off guard by it each time I look out the front window or pull into the driveway. I love this house. I still wonder if it is the house I love or the feeling of safety and comfort it provides. Honestly, I never wanted to be back home long enough to become comfortable. Most of my college years I kept telling myself that I was only here to get a degree and then I would leave again....finding the man I love slowed those plans down a little, but it was obviously worth it. Justin has needed some time to become ready to leave for the mission field, but God has faithfully prepared his heart for this and he is so incredibly excited. I think he might even be more ready for this transition than I am right now! Is that because I know that there will be some incredibly hard times and he's not quite aware of how hard it is to leave your home, family, and country while trying to adjust to a very foreign one? I don't know but I envy him a bit. He is so ready to jump in and though he has bouts of anxiety about it all, he is definitely ready for the one thing I am not; letting go of our home. Back to that idea....because I'd really like to figure out what is so difficult about it for me. I truly believe it is more than the 'worldly possessions' side of it-it's not a big house with a lot of expensive things. It's just a little starter house with ugly cabinets; but I love it. I think what I love about it is the feeling of comfort and I think I'm anticipating the loss of that comfort. I think it also represents the loss of independence; that is something I really deeply value. Perhaps that is even more distressing to me. I'm going to join a team in which I am told what to do 6 days a week and by joining this team, I'm obligated to follow the program. Everything in me is disliking this idea; but the Lord has shown us that going to London to join the Operation Mobilization team there is the next step. I know we will meet so many amazing, faith filled people and I know that I don't want to be anywhere except where the Lord wants me...but why do I have to give up my independence?!?! That question being rhetorical, the answer is this: My independence must be given up because my personal will must die and instead, I must be ready to take up God's will. Obviously the goal would be to surrender in such a way that His will becomes my will and it would be much more fluid than me taking up a foreign will that feels awkward and impersonal. I want to desire God's plans and ways. I know that living my own way will be completely unsatisfying and will leave me with a void. But, because God's will is still the unknown, it feels scary; it's scary to let go of a will I can seemingly know for one that is unknown. When we sell this comfortable little house and move to London, it will all be unknown. Am I so old now that an adventure with God is more scary than exciting? While I know that really has nothing to do with physical age, I think of an old spirit who never quite experienced God fully and therefore is not ready to take an adventure with him. Someday, I want to be a very different kind of old spirit; the kind that has had so many adventures with God that she is not surprised by how exciting it is to live with him and is less and less afraid to step out on the water when he calls. For now, this young spirit has to start taking the steps God is putting in front of her if she wants to become that old spirit. I want to walk with the Lord intimately; I want to seek him and nothing else. I want to find comfort in that rather than in a home. I want to be dependent on him for all things and in all ways rather than desiring independence. I want to be looking for whatever he has for me rather than be concerned with my own plans. So....the house must be sold. I must offer up my comfort and independence to God, knowing he is good and able. He knows what I need but more importantly, he has a job for Justin and I that will bring him glory and add to his kingdom. I can't wait to be a part of that work...but I know the next leg of this journey will not be easy for me.